More thoughts from the '90s. I was definitely looking for something back then. It was something elusive. I had questions and the answers to the question where indirect. The harder I looked the more I realized that the answer didn't exist. Meaning didn't exist.
My personal discovery that there wasn't an answer actually ended up resolving a great deal for me. Once I accepted that I couldn't find it, and that most things only echoed of this truth I was looking for, then a sense of peace started to emerge.
In giving up and saying "I don't know" I found a great deal of stability on the matter. It helped me see the world, the ebb and flow, as it is only. When I stopped applying my own desire for meaning and understanding to everything, true meaning and understanding began to emerge. I feel I carry that same "not knowing" with me today.